YHVH Rapha

He said, “If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.” ex 15.26

Year in review

This seems to be a popular type of post these days, so I’ll try my hand at it. 😉

¶ I’ve not seen my counselor in over a year. I keep thinking, I can do this, I can get thru this, I can talk to my BFF and deal with this.

Till December came around, then i realized that I needed to talk to my counselor. The thing is, its’ just so helpful just to hear someone say “You are OK” and “You are the perfect mother for your children.” (not meaning, you understand, that I’m PERFECT as a mother, but that I am the mother that my kids need.)

Except when I called in, I couldn’t make an appointment. I’m no longer an active client as I have not had an appointment in the past three months. I’m now on the waiting list. I might be able to get in and talk with her the end of January.

Wth.

Deep breaths.

¶ My oldest is now 12 and my youngest 2. They seem to be growing and developing well. We have some good times. We have a lot off frustration. It’s all normal, right?

My middle kid, when anxious, pinches her eyebrow (think Dr. Sawyer in the original Miracle on 34th Street.)

My oldest son screams and yells and threatens violence when he doesn’t get his way. (Hmm, I wonder where he got that from. . .) He’s also been known to push people out of his way.

My other son seems to hide in the background, fade away, let others take the spotlight. . . and then whine and cry and scream in agony over seemingly minor injuries.

They all retreat to their rooms as fast as they can when I yell.

¶ Still, I’ve had a few situations lately that make me wonder if I’m as bad a mom as I think I am. A guy from church asked if my kids do this irritating thing–and they don’t! Wow, could it be that this particular issue isn’t a problem for me because of my parenting? (Probably has more to do with other things than me. But still.)

Then there was the other thing. Which I cannot remember right now. But it was another to make me think that maybe, just maybe, I’m being too hard on myself and that my standards for mothers are too high (huh, you think?) and that I’m ok, acceptable, maybe even competent as a mother. Maybe.

¶ Still married. That’s a wonderful thing. A year or so ago, we passed up good ol’ ma and pa as they had divorced after 13 years or so.

Though I wonder sometimes why we are. Why does he stay with me? I’m not very good to him sometimes.

¶ Always, always, always wonder what my children will remember from this time of their lives. The lousy dinners? The yelling and screaming? Watching movies together and playing games together?

The worst part of this, is they won’t be able to tell me until they are grown. 😉

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1 Comment»

  Use your words | YHVH Rapha wrote @

[…] gets us to the positive side of things, I’m finally seeing my counselor again fairly regularly. (“Regularly” meaning once or twice a […]


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