YHVH Rapha

He said, “If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.” ex 15.26


I guess the thing that surprised me the most about my father’s death, besides how little I knew about him, was was how painful it was to me.  How incredibly much I miss him. even t hough I didn’t know him very well at all.

I know his name, his birthdate. I can look up where he was born. I know a little bit about his childhood, from things that I read after his death, from things he told me.

How did he meet my mom, I wonder. What was their dating and engagement and marriage like, from his perspective. I’ll never know.  What was I like as a child. That one has come up a few times, especially as I watch my young daughter playig or learning to walk and talk.  Did I play the way she does? Did I say   words like she does?

I’ll never know.  I could ask my mom, but I doubt she’d know. There were so many of us kids to keep track of, ya know. She couldn’t possibly remember each of us individually.  But I bet my dad remembered.

Validation, positives, compliments, were hard to come by when I was growing up.  I was convinced that I was a horrible child.   (But that’s a post for another time.)  Just a few weeks before my father passed away he said something beautiful and lovely and endearing to me that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.  And yet, why did he wait 30+ years to say it? Or was he saying it the whole time, and I just don’t remember.  I’ll never know.

I miss my dad so badly.

The thought comes to mind, “Now God is my dad.”  I never was able to figure out what that means. Sounds so pat, so trivial. Like something you say when you have to say something, but don’t know what to say.

My younger sister, she has a great grasp on the “God as father” concept.

I guess I’ll learn about this now.


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